My hopes, my dreams
by ercarterfan
Summary: What can a box hold? Hopes, maybe someone's dreams..This is carby!
1. Default Chapter

My hopes, my dreams   
Written by ercarterfan   
June 2004 OCOH Board Challenge  
  
Abby's heart skipped a beat when Carter said that he had always had faith that she would pass her boards. It was a faith that she didn't have in herself, well that she hadn't been able to find in herself until recently. She smiled at him, as she noticed that he was carrying a box out of the ER. She couldn't help but wonder if he was leaving again, this time making it more permanent.  
  
"Hey would you like to grab some coffee." She said pointing across the street.  
  
"Yeah I think I have time." Carter replied softly.  
  
The day had been harder than he thought it would have been. All the looks, the sympathetic smiles, they hadn't made it easier only harder. No one in that ER knew what it was like to lose a child of their own. Being around death didn't make it any easier when you yourself where faced with it, when it was your heart that was being broken into a million pieces. Carter sat down at a table with Abby. At least she wasn't giving him that look that he had been getting all day.  
  
Abby tried to keep the conversation light, "so do you like the sound of Dr. Lockhart?"  
  
Carter let out a half laugh, "yeah, it fits you Abby. You've worked hard for a long time, but I always knew you could do it."  
  
"Thanks John." She said reaching out to gently touch his hand, "it means a lot to hear you say that to me."  
  
They hadn't been on the best of terms lately, but something inside of her broke when she saw him after he and Kem had lost the baby. A son was something Carter had always wanted and he had been looking forward to the newest member of the Carter family. Granted Abby wished that he had been Carter and her that were having a baby together, but when tragedy struck she was more than willing to there as a friend should be when another friend is in need.  
  
"I matched at County." She said, "I didn't think that they would take me."  
  
"I pulled for you." He said smiling softly at her.  
  
"You know, you and I we will always be friends John." She said, "we might not have made it as anything more, but you are now and always will be one of my closest and dearest friends."  
  
"Abby," he said looking up at her, "that means a lot to me." It would mean more to him that he would ever be able to tell her. He was almost sure that things were going to go no where with Kem now, not that he didn't feel anything for her anymore, but she was biting to get back home. Carter didn't feel like making his home in Africa, but he didn't think that he could make it in the house that they had bought that was full now of baby things that they would never get the chance to use.  
  
"John," Abby said softly, "you don't have to be strong in front of me. I know how hard this has all been on you. I'm here if you need to talk."  
  
John looked up at her, the tears welling in his eyes. He wasn't sure what to say, or even where to start. He just looked at the box sitting next to him. The words were stuck in his throat. The pain raw and fresh in his mind as if the news that he son was not with them had been just given to them.  
  
Behind the tears he managed to find the words, "it hurts." Two simple words that spoke the volumes of pain that were in his heart. There were no words to describe the pain that filled him. No words to describe the emptiness that his arms felt to hold that child again, the strong ache that pulled at him day and night. The missing piece of his heart, sure they could try again, they could have more children, but nothing would ever take the place of their first born child, or ease the sorrow that filled him. A parent should never live longer than their child.  
  
"I'm sure it does." she said gently squeezing his hand. There was no saying I understand, or I'm sorry right now, those were words that she knew he had heard probably one to many times during the course of the day.  
  
"I'm angry." Why did this have to happen to them? They should be at home expecting their son any time now, and that was never going to happen. What had he done in his life that was so horrible that his child had to be taken away from him as penitence. They could tell them that it was just bad luck that sometimes accidents like this happen and there is no rhyme or reason to why it happens, but everything in life happens for a reason, and he couldn't let the explanation that it just happened but the answer. The hurt, the anger, the blame, the pain, all ran deep inside him, it was a cut that went clean to the bone and every day it seemed as if it kept splitting open again ripping just a little bit deeper.  
  
She didn't say anything but gave him a soft hug, her way of saying that she was there and listening and she valued what he was feeling, that she was validating his feelings. Her way of trying to tell him that it was okay to be hurt and that it was okay to be angry.  
  
He closed his eyes and could still feel the child wrapped in the blanket so tiny. All the feelings that a new parent would have rushing thru them filling him, yet the sadness and heart ache of knowing that this would be the only time that he would hold that child this close to his heart. To fill the physical need of holding him, rather than just the memories that he held now of holding him, kissing his tiny forehead. Every parent knows that new baby smell, something of a cross of baby powder and baby shampoo. It's one that you never forget. And when he held that child in his arms and kissed the top of his end that was what he remembered that was coming back to him now, as the tears silently rolled down his face. Those would be memories that he would hold close to his heart until his time here on earth was finished. How small the hands were and the tiny feet wrapped up under the blue baby blanket. Counting and marveling at the 10 little fingers and 10 little toes so perfectly formed, yet they lacked life. Taken away before it had been given. Now the only thing he could think of was the lullabies that he wouldn't be singing, the games of catch that he wouldn't be playing, the first day of school that would never come, the first broken heart, the first driving lesson, the first car, these things he wasn't going to be able to experience not thru his child's eyes. There would be no first steps, no scraped knees or broken bones, no graduations, no proms, all of these things were ripped from his life when his child had been taken from him.  
  
Abby's voice was not more than a whisper now as she looked at the box sitting next to him, "John, what's in the box?"  
  
"My hopes, my dreams, what was to be my future and will now forever be my past. My greatest joy but yet my greatest heartache is what's in the box." He said as he tried to take his eyes of it but couldn't bring himself too, "a lock of hair, a set of footprints. A small hat."  
  
Abby held him close understanding what he meant, those were small things, they wouldn't mean anything to anyone else but him. His son was his dream, we place all our hopes, our dreams and our fears into our children, knowing that they are our future, but sometimes what we want to become our future in the blink of an eye becomes our past. 


	2. A wise friend helps

**Chapter Two: A wise friend helps**

After Carter and Abby had, had pie and he had made sure that she was safely back across the street at work, he walked slowly home. He knew that he had some decisions that he needed to make. Losing the baby had changed him in ways that he never thought that it would. There was right now emptiness in his heart that he knew would always be there. A part of him was no longer there and what he had been looking forward to for so long was not going to come to be.

Rather than going straight home he slowly walked along the river, a feeble attempt to clear his head. He thought about everything and nothing all at the same time. He continued walking until he came to what he thought was what they needed to do, more so what he needed to do.

Kem had already made the decision to return home, he knew that she had talked with him very briefly about it, not giving him any options in it. He knew that she was hurting as much as he was, if not somewhat more, she blamed herself for something that wasn't her fault and there wasn't enough time in the world to heal those wounds. As much as he had wanted a family he knew that with her, now after this it wasn't going to be possible.

He made his way back to the house, walking inside it was as if there was no one there. The lights were off and the house had a feeling of coldness to it. You would have never known that two people lived there. Hell you wouldn't think when you walked inside the front door that anyone lived there. They had rushed a relationship and now that things had gotten tough, they didn't have enough there to hold it together. Neither of them could be blamed for that. He didn't blame her and well he hoped that she didn't blame him, but with Kem lately you never could tell.

He finally found her packing her bags upstairs in the room that they once shared. Her face was tear stained, as much as he wanted too, there would be no talking her out of this. John had finally admitted to himself that this was best for everyone. They would keep in touch but that was about it. There would be no fixing the relationship and each would go their separate ways. He had volunteered to take her to the airport, but she declined saying it was better if she just left and they said whatever goodbyes there were left to say there.

As he watched her get into the cab that would take her away from his life in Chicago, he didn't feel the way that he thought that he would. He was in a way sad that she was leaving the way that she was, but in other ways it was a relief. What she needed right now, he couldn't give her and it was only fair that she go where she could get it. Carter as hard as he tried not to be was preoccupied with Abby. After their impromptu talk, she was in the front of his mind.

He kicked himself mentally for everything that he had put her through, yet somewhere inside him, he wouldn't have changed it either. They had both grown while they were apart and maybe, just maybe it was that growth that might be the salvation of their relationship. They had both had so much baggage, so much hurt, that when he left for Africa so many months ago it felt as if it was the only option that he had left. Now that he was back and his eyes were opened, he knew that he had more options. Chicago was his home and he had been crazy in a way for leaving, but at the same time it had been the best thing that had ever happened to him.

He locked up the house and headed back out now in the late hour of the day. He needed to do something, anything to get him out of that lonely empty house. John didn't have many friends left in Chicago after everything that had happened but he needed to find someone to talk to. He found himself at Susan's doorstep, surely after being stuck on bed rest for so long she might be happy to have some company and he knew that she was always more that willing to give advice. He brought his hand up knocking on the door, holding his breath while he waited for someone to answer it.

"Carter." Susan said when she pulled the door open, surprised to see him standing there.

"Hey Susan." He said seeing her face there, "busy?"

"Yeah busy waiting for this baby to come out." She said with a soft smile, "Come on in."

Carter carefully negotiated his way around his pregnant friend and into the house. "I thought that you might like some company since you are stuck at home."

"Have a seat, put your feet up." She said pointing to the couch, "Chuck's at work and won't be home for awhile and well talking to the TV has lost its appeal."

Carter couldn't help but laugh at that last comment, "going stir crazy then I take it."

"You could say that." Susan said as she sat down on the couch next to him, "what brings you over? There has to be a reason, things going okay?" She was never one to beat around the bush.

"Yeah things are going okay." He said looking over at him, "I just thought that you might like someone to talk to and well I really wanted someone to talk to."

"I see." Susan said patting his leg, "talking I can do, at least you will answer when I talk."

"Yeah I'm a little more interactive than the TV."

He watched as Susan leaned forward grabbing the remote and flicking the television off, "So tell me Carter, what's on your mind? I know that you didn't come over to discuss the weather, I know you well enough to know that look on your face."

"Abby's what's on my mind." Carter said answering her.

"Really?" Susan was a little surprised and taken aback by the declaration.

"Yeah, I took her for coffee and pie today after she got the news that she passed the boards, we sat and talked for a while and since then she's all I've been able to think about." He said looking down now rather than over at Susan.

"Well, I don't know what to tell you Carter." Susan said softly, "you kind of put a nail in that coffin when you came back from Africa." She knew she didn't need to go into details with that one.

"I know I screwed that up," he openly admitted, "do you think that it might be fixable? I mean do you think that maybe I might still have a chance?"

"Honestly?" Susan asked.

"No lie to me." Carter said giving her an odd look.

"Lying would be much better, and then I could say that you did stand a chance." Susan looked over at him now. "But in all honestly I would have to say that it all depends. You hurt her pretty bad Carter, but even a broken heart heals and you both have changed."

"I know," Carter replied, "it's all I've been thinking about. I took this long walk down along the river trying to sort things out in my head, not that it did any good because I am right back where I started, it all comes down to the simple fact that I ran away, I did everything that I told her sank the relationship."

"You two had problems, every relationship that I know of has problems." Susan said, "But if you want to try and fix it you should be talking to her not to me."

"I think I just wanted a third person to bounce this off." He said looking over at her, "make sure that I wasn't nuts."

"Oh, well Carter I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you are nuts." Susan replied.

"Ah, well thanks for that boost of confidence there Susan." Carter bantered back.

"We all are nuts." Susan continued. "We are all human and we all make mistakes, in life and in love. Some of us just take longer to see that we have made that mistake."

"Yeah I know that." He said in a small voice, "I guess I'm just afraid that the mistake that I made has made things so that they can't be fixed."

"Everything can eventually be fixed." Susan told him. "The only thing that can't be fixed is the things that we don't try and fix. If we give up we will never know what we might have had."

"How did you get so wise?" Carter asked her. "Must be a pregnancy thing it messes with your head."

"I think it's all the hours of watching daytime TV with all those self help shows." She said with a smile, "that will mess with anyone's head."

Carter smiled over at her, "Susan you are the best friend a guy could ask for you know that right?"

"Save it for someone who cares Carter." She grinned at him.

They sat and talked for awhile longer, the hour growing later. But when Carter left Susan's house that night he knew what he wanted to do, what he thought that he should do. This wasn't going to be fixed overnight, or even in a few days, it would take a lot longer and patients. But he wanted to try and salvage his relationship with Abby and if they never ended up as anything more than friends then he would have to learn to deal with it and accept it. Having Abby as a friend was better than not having her in his life at all. That was the most important thing that he had learned from all of this. That she was too good of a person not to have in his life on some level.


	3. Repair

**Chapter Three: Repair**

Carter that night as he laid in bed wondered how to go about repairing the relationship that was in the front of his mind. He didn't quite know the best way to go about it. There had been a lot of damage done, baby steps were the way that they needed to go, and he just couldn't come right out and say Abby I'm still in love with you, for he really didn't know if that was what he felt, the only thing that he was certain about was that there was something missing from his life and that she was it.

He tossed and turned most the night. Unable to find that all elusive sleep and when his alarm went off he grumbled as Carter climbed out of bed and headed for the shower in a feeble attempt to wash the sleep from his body. Carter finished, dressed and then headed for the EL, getting coffee before finally heading into the ER. He wished that he had been able to get some sleep last night, but the coffee was helping to clear the few remaining cobwebs from his head.

Chairs were a nightmare as he crossed into the ER; it seemed that everyone in Chicago had decided to come in that morning. He made short work of putting his things in his locker before heading out to the admit desk to dig in to the pile up of patients. He had decided on the EL train on the way in that he would just have to bit the bullet and ask her to dinner. He could take her someplace where they could sit and talk.

He started in not seeing her there and as the morning went by there was still no sign of her, but they were definitely busy and it was highly possible that they just kept missing each other. He came out of an exam room and there she was standing at the admit desk her nose in a chart with the phone held up to her ear. She looked like she was seriously concentrating on something.

He didn't want to interrupt her flow or train of thought but he didn't know if he would get another shot at this today. Carter stood at the admit desk now waiting for her to finish what she was doing before he would talk to her.

"Frank would you please let me know when psych decides that they are willing to get down here." Abby said as she hung up the phone, a look of frustration upon her face.

"Yeah, if I have too." The desk clerk replied.

Abby just rolled her eyes, "hi Carter." She said looking up at him. After their talk yesterday most of the hard feeling that she had towards him had dissipated. It wasn't that Abby hated him, he had just hurt her and well, he did have a human appearance to him now. She still wanted to be at least friends with him, but not much more at the time. Besides Carter had someone in his life and that someone wasn't her. She had come to terms with that.

"Hey Abby." Carter said setting the chart that he was holding down to actually look at her, "you have a minute that we might talk?"

"Interns never have just a minute." She said the frustration slowly slipping off her face. "What do you need?"

"Let's go outside." Carter said not wanting to have this conversation where other's could hear incase he got shot way down. He did not want the entire ER to know what he was up to, just in case she said no. He was worried about that right now, what if she shot him down? What if he made a complete ass out of himself? He might never live it down if that happened.

"Yeah sure." Abby replied setting the chart that she had been working on down. It wasn't like her patient was going to go anywhere. She had him heavily sedated and was waiting for psych to come down to see him, and at the rate that psych moved that patient might just be there for the rest of the day. She followed him outside and stood now leaning against the wall not far from the bay doors, "what did you need Carter?"

Carter kicked the ground not sure if he really could do this right now, but he knew that he needed too. He took a deep breath in before saying anything not wanting the silence to be between them and create this awkward situation. "I was wondering," he said his voice was not very loud and he was definitely nervous about all of this. "if you might like to have dinner with me, maybe tomorrow night?"

Abby wasn't sure what to say to that. She was a little shocked to be asked by Carter to go to dinner, and she didn't know if she should say yes or no. She wasn't expecting this and the silence that was between them was making things just a little more awkward than she wanted. "Uh well I guess I could have dinner with you Carter." She said wondering why he just asked her out, did Carter just ask her out on a date, or was this an I need a friend type deal.

"Great," he said letting out the breath that he had been holding all this time. "What time can I pick you up?"

Oh, he had asked her out on a date. She wasn't sure about this now. "I'm off at seven tonight."

"Do you want to go home and change or just leave from here?" He asked knowing that they would have to get back to work here pretty soon.

"We can leave from here." She said turning now to head back into the ER. She wasn't sure about all of this.

He followed her back inside so that he could go back to work, "okay." He gave her a rather simple response. He was glad that she had said yes and he knew that he would be able to get more work done now that he had that weight lifted from his shoulders. He was still nervous about how things would go but it was one less thing that he didn't have to worry about.


	4. No Promises

**Chapter Four: No Promises**

The rest of the day flew by for Carter. He didn't think much about his impending date with Abby, and he really didn't think of it so much as a date as rather taking a friend out to dinner. You could take friends out to dinner couldn't you? He was going to try and not work himself up over this he really just wanted the chance to talk to her more than anything else and see if they could maybe start over again.

He signed his patients out to the attending that was coming on for the night shift before getting his things from his locker to wait for Abby. She should be off in a few minutes depending on what happened with her last patient of the day. You never really knew if you would be off on time, it all depended on what came through those doors before you managed to get signed out.

"You ready?" Abby asked as she walked into the lounge. "I'm off and I'm hungry."

"Yeah I was just waiting on you." Carter said as he stood up from where he was sitting.

"Good." She put her things into her locker, pulling out her coat before shutting it. "Let's go then."

He walked beside her as they headed out. They strolled along the street as they headed for the restaurant that Carter had picked for them to have dinner at. He got them there and the silence that had been between them for the entire walk was making him feel awkward. What courage he had, had slowly slipped away. He needed to think of something for them to talk about before he dove into the conversation that involved his begging for her forgiveness. Not that he had planned on begging for it but he was prepared to if that's what it came down to.

"How was your day?" He asked as they were seated at a table.

"It was okay, busy but okay." She replied back, "and yours?"

"Nothing spectacular to write home about." He joked, "it was okay, busy when I started but it slowed to a nice pace after lunch."

"That's always nice to hear." Abby could make small talk for as long as the conversation held up.

"Being an intern must be a nice change for you." Carter said as he started to look over the menu that was in front of him.

"It's definitely different than being a med student, I'm just glad that the hard work is starting to pay off."

"Yeah, I'm sure that you are. You know that I am really proud of you for what you have accomplished." Carter was trying to compliment her.

"Thanks Carter." Abby said her eyes going from looking at the menu to him and back again.

"You're welcome." He said, "do you have any idea of what you are in the mood to have for dinner?"

"Not yet." She said looking it over again.

They finally decided and ordered. Carter was nervous about taking the conversation to the next level but they could only talk about work for so long and then it would have to either stall out or he would have to bit the bullet. After they had eaten he decided that it was time to do this. For it was either now or never and he didn't want it to be never.

"I wanted to talk to you about something." He said looking at her as he started to play with his hands under the table, rubbing his wrist was a nervous habit that he had always had.

"What about?" Abby asked.

"About us." He said, "Well not about us, but…"

Abby cut him off, "Carter there is no us." She said rather bluntly.

"I know but what I wanted to ask you is if you might be willing to maybe start over again, give a relationship another shot. At least, well I want to work on just even being better friends." He was stumbling over his words.

Abby looked at him, there was a seriousness in her eyes that Carter hadn't ever noticed before. He wasn't sure what to make of it either. He didn't know what she might say next or if she would just get up and leave. He hoped that she didn't get up and leave that was the last thing he wanted.

"Friends, we are friends Carter." She said her eyes still on him.

"I would like us to be better friends, something other than the occasional passing at work." He said.

"I don't know if we can do that." She said being honest with him.

"Abby," Carter said now finding some courage to look at her, "I know that what I did was wrong." He felt the need to explain things to her, or at least give it one hell of a shot. "I hurt you, more than I ever intended to do."

"Yeah, you did." She knew she was being rather blunt with him, but she didn't want him to think that he could just waltz back in after everything and that they could pick up where they had left off. She wasn't happy then and that wasn't a place that she wanted to go back to.

"I want to try and work on being a better friend to you, the kind of friend that you deserve." He said not taking his eyes off her, "I know you have changed, for the better and I hope that through all of this that I have done the same. What I thought I would find, I didn't."

"I'm sorry to hear that Carter." She didn't know what he expected to find taking off the way that he had.

"But I have worked through a lot of things that had been causing me trouble." He wanted to prove to her that he wasn't the same man who had done that to her. "And if I have learned anything it's that what I wanted was here all along I was just too blind to see it."

"And what might have that been?" She wasn't trying to be snotty; it just ended up coming out that way.

"That my best friend was right here all along. That rather than doing everything that I had ever accused you of doing, I should have tried harder rather than just giving up. That wasn't fair to you, and it wasn't fair to me."

"I'm glad that you can see that now Carter, but hindsight is twenty-twenty and it really doesn't change anything." She replied.

"No, I know that it doesn't change anything." He said looking down now he was getting shot down something horrible right now, but then he really couldn't blame her. "But I was hoping that you might be willing to give me a second chance."

"A second chance." She got silent for a minute, "I don't know Carter." She was being serious and now open with him, "I don't think that I want to honestly. You are a good friend, and I don't want to lose the friendship that we have, or could have by making the same mistakes with you twice."

"I see." He said silently, he wanted to fight for this, but he didn't want to push her either. "It's okay I think I understand."

"Do you?" Abby asked. "Can you honestly say that you understand why I don't want to try again?"

Carter shook his head now, "no, but I am trying and that's all I can do right now."

"Carter look," Abby said, "what do you see when you look at me?"

That was an odd question and one that he was not expecting her to ask, one that he didn't have an answer for. "What do you mean?"

"What do you see when you look at me?" She asked again.

"I see a friend, a talented and bright doctor in the making. Someone who doesn't always believe that she can do what she sets out to do, but can accomplish it." He wasn't sure if that was the answer that she was looking for or not.

Abby just nodded. That wasn't the response that she was hoping to get from him, he didn't understand it, and she knew that much and maybe it was that women talked for the most part in a code that a guy could never understand.

"That's not the answer that you wanted is it?" He asked. "What I see when I look at you with all that I said before is also the woman who consumes my thoughts, my best friend whom no matter what I say I know that I am always going to want more from. But if I can't have you in my life in any other capacity than a friend that is what I am willing to settle for because my life isn't complete without you in it."

Well that wasn't the answer that she was expecting from him either, but it was more than she expected. The first answer was closer to the one that she expected, but she didn't know if he was just saying that to get himself off the hook or if that was really how he felt.

The silence that was between them was making them both nervous. He didn't know what else to say and she didn't know how to react to what he had said. It was a stalemate. One of them was going to have to say something.

"Carter, maybe we can try but we are going to need to take it very slow." She said, "Start off as friends again and see. I can't make any promises."

"I don't want you too." Carter replied, "Friends I can do." He was honest with her. She hadn't shot him down but neither of them really should be making promises, they would just have to see where it went from here.


	5. Dating Again

**Chapter 5: Dating Again.**

Carter took Abby out to dinner the week after they had, had their little talk. The second date he took her out dancing on Lake Michigan on a dinner cruise. He wasn't trying to rush her but taking it slow with what they were doing. Spreading the dates out so that while they did get to spend time together, they still had down time to do other things with other friends, not to mention that they were both busy with work.

They seemed to be getting along for the most part. The baby steps were taking them on the right track back to getting a relationship going, and while they were working on getting something a little more than a friendship going. Neither of them was quite sure if it was going to go past the friendship stage but as of right now it seemed like it had that chance.

At work they barely saw each other but when they did the others in the ER could see the spark that was working on being fanned into a burning flame. But then that little spark had never really gone out, they had just both managed to ignore it. To find another person to be that little spark, which backfired on them both. Destiny had plans that they might not have been able to see themselves.

For what fate had in store for Carter and Abby and their lives together was something that neither of them could have possibly imagined. Or would have even dreamed was possible. But the one thing that the two of them had come to consider a constant in their lives was just that to expect the unexpected. Happiness was elusive and it seemed to come at a high price at time. Patients with the person you were with an accepting them the way that they were, knowing that you could never make them be anything other than who they were was part of what you needed to do.

"John we need to talk." Abby said as she cornered him one morning shortly after he had arrived.

To him that sounded rather ominous and he wasn't sure what he might have done that she would feel that they needed to talk. "Sure Abby, can it wait until later today, the board is backing up at its not even 8 am yet."

"Yeah I suppose that it can." She said sounding rather disappointed that they couldn't have the conversation right then and there.

"I'm not trying to blow you off." Carter said defending what he had just not two seconds before said to her, "I just am really busy right now."

"No I understand it's okay really it is." The tone of Abby's voice hadn't changed a bit as she talked with him. She had her own backlog of patients that she needed to tend to herself. "Maybe we can grab lunch or something."

"Yeah that would be great." He replied back not knowing if he was going to be able to get that lunch break or not, once again it seemed like everyone was in County's ER today.

"Fine." She said changing her tone somewhat with him. She didn't want him to think that she was the queen of gloom and doom right now but what she needed to talk to him about was rather important in nature.

Carter just gave her that 'I'm sorry' look as he headed off with an arm full of charts, people who were waiting to be seen.

Abby didn't say anything else to him she just found herself buried under her own pile of patients. They worked the rest of the day neither of them seeming to find their way out from under their mountains of work. It was one of those days where if something could go wrong it did. Murphy's Law was down upon Carter and Abby with a force that left nothing to be reckoned with.

At about seven that night Abby was about ready to drop dead from exhaustion. She had been running her ass off all day long going from patient to patient, no one seemed to have a simple complaint all day long, her cases seemed to be the ones that were never clear cut and it had been a challenge to her new found medical skills.

Carter had been supervising Interns and residents all day long while trying to balance his own patient load and was about at his wits in. No one had simple easy to answer questions, and the questions that they did have seemed to come in four and five parts. He wanted to rip his hair out after the day that he had, had. He knew that he still needed to talk with Abby not wanting her to really think that he had blown her off. But as he wandered into the lounge after finally managing to sign his last patient off to the night crew he hit the couch and just sat there for a minute wondering what had been so urgent this morning that he hadn't been able to get a minute in to deal with at any point in the day. His lunch had consisted of a sandwich that had been grabbed from the vending machine inhaled while he cosigned charts.

Abby ducked into the lounge after signing out her last patient to Neela who Abby had never been more happy to see in the entire time that she had been there. They had an odd friendship ever since Neela had crashed on her couch. But she didn't say much to the other intern not wanting anything to end up sucking her back into that never ending vortex of complicated patients.

She flopped down on the couch next to Carter. "You off?" She said glancing over at him. His eyes were closed and she wasn't sure if he was sleeping or just sitting there vegetating from behind closed eyes.

"Yes, I am finally off, how about you?" He said turning his head to look over at her.

"Yes thank the gods." She let out a little laugh, "hell of a day."

"I second that motion." Carter replied back, "I just want to get out of here, go find something that is real food not out of a machine and then sleep."

"Why don't we go and get something." Abby suggested.

"Sounds like a plan to me." Carter answered as he started to pull himself up off the couch. "Before the find us and end up putting us back to work."

"God that's the last thing I want to do right now." Abby was following suit getting her coat from her locker now, "the sooner I get out of here the better I will feel."

"You and me both." He said as they walked out of the ER, or rather slipped out trying not to be noticed by anyone, afraid that if they were spotted someone would try and suck them back in. Carter didn't say anything until they were safely outside the hospital doors, "sorry I didn't have time to talk to you today, I ended up buried."

"Not a problem." She replied back as they headed off to find something that resembled real food. "I ended up busy too."

"Yeah I saw that you were taking the majority of the tougher cases." Carter said knowing that she had, had a very trying day. He was the one that ended up cosigning most of her charts.

"I wasn't taking them; I was getting the crappy luck of the draw." She piped back. Truth be told if she could have had anything other than what she had ended up with she probably would have been in a much better mood, but you couldn't pick and chose your patients, you took what you were given.

"Ah but you kept your head above water all day and didn't sink so that should tell you something." He said to her as they continued walking.

"What that I am completely nuts?" Abby asked him.

"No that you are actually a good doctor." He answered her.

"Well that is still up for debate." She said.

"I think that you proved today that you can hold your own in the ER." Carter told her, "You were about the only one today that didn't bombard me with a million and one questions."

"Well that's cause I saw everyone else running to you and figured that I should find another doctor who wasn't being plagued by medical students and interns. I pestered Pratt all day long."

"I see, well lucky for him then. No he needs the challenge. He can be a good teacher when he wants to be. Other days he can be just a…" Carter searched for the right word that would describe the resident. "A cocky pain in the ass."

"I bet you say that all about all the Interns, residents, and medical students that you have to supervise on a daily basis."

"Not all of them." Carter said, "I actually have faith in one or two, but I see the respect that he gets and it's about time he's earned some of that."

"Jealous?" Abby said giving him a very playful smile, but one that said that she was just joking.

"Oh so very jealous." Carter laughed a little at that one.

"You should be." She said, "I hear he is going after your job."

"I think my job is fairly secure beside that he's only a third year and has a few more to go before my job would be in any kind of jeopardy from the likes of him."

"Yeah I know there's only one Dr. Carter." Abby laughed, "God knows County would be in trouble if there was more than one of you running around."

"Glad that you find me funny." Carter said looking over at her as he held the door open for her and they went inside to get something to eat.

"Yes Carter, you are the funniest man alive." Abby said giving him a sarcastic eye roll.

He smiled at her as he pulled the chair out from the table for her. "So what do you want to talk to me about?"

"It can wait until after we have ordered." Abby said not in a rush to get into it right now she wanted to take a five minute breather and regroup before tackling this conversation, it wasn't going to be a good one that much she knew for sure.

He just nodded as he looked over and tried to decide what he wanted to eat. He wasn't going to push her into the conversation unwillingly and it might not be such a bad thing after all. Especially is she wanted to wait to talk to him about it?

They ordered and ate and then decided that they would have dessert together. It was once that dessert had arrived that Abby decided that it was time to broach the subject. She had been dreading having this conversation with him all day but it was one of those now or never situations and she knew that if she backed out now there wouldn't be enough time to have it with him at any other point in time. She had made the decision and couldn't change her mind about it. She felt guilty a little for not having discussed it with him first, but after all they were only dating. It wasn't like she needed his permission to do something with her life.

"There's something important that I need to talk to you about Carter." Abby said looking across the table at him with a somewhat serious expression on her face.

"What is it Abby?" Carter asked still wondering what this was that made her look so serious.

She looked at him for a minute trying to find the words, "I've been offered a position at another hospital." She said this wasn't going to be an easy one to have.


	6. Fate has it

_A/N: I have done some research and yes I did write that Abby matched at County. But in response once you Match and you do your intern year you do not have to stay any longer with that program. You can if they have slots and you have an agreement with the facility. But from history we know that residents transfer in and out of County from time to time. And to clarify I said that she had been offered a position at another hospital… didn't say when though and I have not been specific about how much time has passed either. On another note thanks to everyone whose reviewed and has enjoyed the story. Now that I have my rant out of the way… enjoy another chapter_

**Chapter Six: Fate has it.**

They sat there in silence as Carter tried to take in what Abby had just told him. Surely she didn't take it. "Did you take it?"

"Yeah I did." Abby replied rather softly now.

"Where at?" Carter asked, he didn't think that much of it thinking that it was probably another hospital in the Chicago area, but then he didn't know that Abby had been looking to move out of County. She had been there for several years working first as a nurse then student then nurse; he had just assumed that Abby was happy there.

"Huston Medical Center." Abby said looking down, "they offered me a residency slot there starting as soon as my internship finishes in May."

Carter was shocked he didn't expect her to be going to Texas of all places. "You… you're…" he was definitely at a loss for words, "Texas."

"Yeah." She said simply.

"Texas." Carter was repeating himself but he didn't know what to think, let alone what to say. He didn't know where that was going to leave them. He knew long distance relationships didn't work out all that well, granted his last one had an ocean between them, they would at least still be in the same time zone, but it just didn't make sense as to why she would even want to make that move.

"Huston is in Texas." She said looking at Carter. Abby didn't know what to make of Carter's reaction to the news but she was getting the feeling that it wasn't good whatever it was.

"Yeah I know that." He said looking down, "I didn't know you were looking to relocate to another hospital. I thought that you were happy at County."

"I am happy at County, but this was an opportunity that I didn't think I should turn down. I wanted, well I guess what I wanted was to experience something other than what Chicago has to offer."

"You could have talked to me before you took it." He said giving her this look of disbelief.

"You didn't talk to me before you decided to up go to the jungle."

She had a very valid point with that one. And he was left momentarily speechless with it. "Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why Texas Abby? I don't understand this; I thought that things were going well with us. And now you are telling me that you are upping and moving not across town or to another part of the state but to a completely different state all together."

"This has nothing to do with you Carter." She said pausing only long enough to put her thoughts together so this didn't come across wrong, not that there was a right way for it to come across. "I'm doing this for my career. They have more opportunities for me there and well it felt pretty damn good when someone approached me for a job not the other way around."

He just shook his head for a minute. "I can understand that part of it all, but I just don't understand why now, why did you take it now?"

"Because now is when it was offered. I couldn't say hey would you hold that offer on the table for a few more years while I get my love life straightened out. This was one of those opportunities that only knock once." Abby said. He was taking this about as well as she thought that he would.

"Yeah okay that's all great, good for you Abby I am really happy for you." Oh there was so much sarcasm in his voice that you could have bathed in it.

"Don't Carter." She said giving him that look, "why can't you just be happy for me. I have worked hard and it's finally starting to pay off in more ways than I thought it would. This is something that just shows me that it has."

"You didn't have to take it."

"Yes I did have to take it Carter. I wanted to take it." Abby was defending her decision even though she really didn't have to, "and you can either chose to be happy for me and wish me well knowing that when it's over I will be back, or you can sit there and pout like a little kid who just had their favorite toy taken away."

"Just because I am not happy that you are upping and leaving doesn't mean that I am not happy for you." He crossed his arms over his chest now trying not to glare at her at task that he found extremely difficult right now.

"Well then bloody act like it. You don't look happy you are not smiling like people do when they are happy for someone else." She said leaning back in her chair.

"I'm not that happy about it Abby. Where does this leave us?" He asked.

"I don't know, honestly I don't know." She said, "You could come with me." That was one option, "you could stay here and we could fly back and forth."

"Long distance relationships don't work." He said point blank.

"They can if you want them too."

"You are not leaving for a week Abby, hell you are not even leaving for a month; you are leaving to do a residency that lasts for years. And you have four more left to do." Carter was fighting now not to yell.

"So what, is this how it's going to end?" She asked looking at him, "you with your panties in a knot because I wanted to do something that means something, to give myself an opportunity that only comes along once in a great while."

"Yeah I guess so." He said, "I can't do another long distance relationship. There are too many temptations and it's too much work."

"Any relationship takes work to make it work." Abby said, "But I am not going to twist your arm to make this one work. I have decided to take the residency in Texas and I am going to go whether or not you like it."

"I know and I am not going to try and talk you out of it either. If this is what you want then this is what you want and who am I to try and take that away." Carter fought the urge to just up and leave.

Abby sighed heavily unsure of what to say anymore this wasn't going to end the way that she thought it would. "You know what I thought that you would be happy for me to do this, that you would realize how beneficial it would be to me, what it would mean to me to be able to do something like this. That maybe you would be proud of the skills that I have achieved, that you would honestly wish me luck and work something out so that we could continue to see each other. But I guess I was wrong." Abby stood up from the table frustrated by his reaction now more than anything else. "I'm sorry if this wasn't in your grand plan for life, but it happened and I am doing it." She turned now to walk away from the table. "I guess I will see you at work tomorrow."

He didn't say anything nor did he try and stop her from walking away. Somewhere deep inside him he was happy for her but yet at the same time the desire for her not to leave was stronger than the happy feelings that he had for her. He would try to find someway between now and when she left to smooth things over with her.


	7. Black and White

_A/N: I don't know if I am going to get the chance to update this one again for awhile. I am going to be taking a break from writing and this is one of my stories that I didn't finish before I started posting it. I was aiming for something different than what had been done, to change things up a little and take a route that I hadn't seen done before. For those who enjoyed it thanks for the reviews. For those who didn't well what can I say… it's a story nothing more nothing less._

**Chapter 7: Black and White**

Abby walked slowly home and as she walked her mind kept drifting back to that day that her and Carter had sat and had coffee while they talked. About how that box had held his hopes and his dreams for the future. What were her hopes? She found herself asking as she strolled along the river's edge on her way home.

Abby needed to clear her head. There were so many thoughts that she had going on at once in there it made focusing on any one thing a near impossible task, but somehow walking along the river always brought her a form of peace. Maybe it was because she had walked this very stretch so many times and it had worked in the past that she continued to do it when things got difficult.

Trying right now, things were not difficult, they were not hard; it was all just extremely confusing. She didn't want to hurt Carter, she knew that. But she wanted to be able to do something that she had earned. She hadn't gone searching for a new job, it had come to her, and that said a lot about the person that she was slowly becoming. Being able to put her insecurities behind her and move on with the positive aspects of her life. Somehow she knew what her hopes where, she knew what her dreams where, but could she have all of it moving away? That was the one question that she couldn't find the answer to even by the river.

She just kept walking now almost to the point where she was wandering. She found a bench and sat down, to pause for a minute, to try and get her mind to slow down. He had taken the news almost like she had expected him to. She knew that he wasn't going to be happy with it. Yet somewhere inside her she almost half expected him to at least pretend on some level that he was. She let out a sigh; she was no closer to having any answers now than she was when she set out.

She had to choices, it seemed so black and white, yet each choice would lead her in completely different directions. One held a path that would take her from Chicago, open up new door that she never imagined could open for her. The other would keep her in Chicago, her life the same and she would pass up a great opportunity. The more she thought about it the more clouded the decision seemed to become. The pros and cons of each decision weighted heavily upon her mind, she was going to have to do one or the other, and there would be no having both in her life.

She knew that it wasn't a good sign to find herself rethinking a decision that she had already made her mind up as to what she was going to do. She had fooled herself into thinking that Carter would be okay with this, that everything would work out in the end. The only thing that Abby knew, she knew in her heart, was that she didn't want to be alone. If she took that residency in Huston that is exactly what she would be, alone again.

She pulled herself up off the bench that she had been sitting on. Her eyes going out over the water. The moon reflecting off the smooth water, could she really leave all this behind and basically start over again. She had no friends in Huston, she could always make new friends, but she had friends here in Chicago. She'd be farther away from Maggie and Eric taking the position. Could she really handle being that far away if something was to happen again? While there wasn't much that she could do for them in Chicago if something was to happen at least she was just a few hours away and could get there a lot easier from Chicago than she could if she was in Texas.

"I thought that I would find you here." She heard a voice say snapping her from her world of thoughts.

"Yeah." She softly replied turning her head to see Carter standing there next to her.

He wasn't looking at her but his eyes were out over the water now too. As if it was something captivating that drew them both in. Abby had to admit even to herself that there was something peaceful about looking at that water.

"You okay?" He asked.

"I've been better." She replied back again, there wasn't much behind her voice as she spoke, concentrating more on what she was thinking than talking with him right now. Abby didn't want another fight that much she knew and she was afraid in a way that they would start yelling at each other again.

"I know." Came his almost instant reply. "I'm sorry." He said to her now turning from looking out over the water to looking at her.

Abby and Carter's eyes met. There was something about those soft brown eyes of his that could instantly melt a person's heart. You could see just how much he cared. For his passion for life, for his friends, for those he cared about always shone in them. He wore his emotions on his sleeve he always had.

Neither of them said anything for what felt like several minutes, standing there just looking at each other. Not thinking the same things. Carter was thinking that he needed to be supportive of her; Abby was wondering how she could simply let all of this go.

Carter leaned forward and placed a small kiss on her forehead. He didn't know what to say or what to do with all of this. He knew that he hadn't been overly supportive of her decision when she had told him and he needed to be. She needed his support and this time he was going to be more willing to give it to her.

"We'll make this work," he said, his voice barely carrying over the sounds of the night now. "we'll make it work."

She leaned against him as she took in what he had just said to her. Part of her was now screaming don't go, don't leave all of this behind, the other part of her was saying that she would be insane to turn her back on this, that she needed to go.

Carter looked down at her now, he could see the sadness that shown in her eyes. He could feel that she was upset and he didn't know how to make it right. He didn't want her to turn down an opportunity like this just to make him happy, especially if in making him happy she ended up making herself miserable.

As hard as it was for him he managed to force out the words so that she could at least hear them if nothing else, "you need to go." He said his voice soft, trembling, holding a sadness in it as he tried so desperately to let her know that he was as okay with this as he could be, "don't turn this down."

Abby was almost in shock when she heard him say that, after being so upset with her in the restaurant here he was now telling her to go. Her mind spun out of control again. "Are… are you…" She was having trouble getting the words to come out of her mouth, "are you sure?"

He looked down brushing her hair back behind her ear with his hand, "yes I'm sure." Carter was surprised at how easily that had come out.

"I don't have…."

Carter cut her off, "no you have to go." So simple yet so hard to say. He might not have wanted her to go but her happiness was most important to him, and the way that she talked about it, she had made it seem as if this was important to her. "This is something that you want, something that you worked hard for, and you off all people deserve the chance."

She was silent not knowing what to say now that he had said that. While this might have been important to her, he was too. She would have a lot more thinking to do about this than she thought. "You know I always thought that I would like Emergency Medicine, but while I was on my psych rotation I really enjoyed that."

Carter let out a soft laugh, "you know what I can understand that. Deciding on where you want to spend you career is definitely hard. Sometimes what we think we really want to do is not what we first chose."

"Really now?"

"Yeah I mean at least you are discovering that early rather than later." Carter gave her an understanding glance, "I thought surgery was where I wanted to be when I started but I loved the ER. It was hard to start over again, being an intern again, well that was just…"

"Not your favorite part?"

"Not really but hey what can I say, I love what I do now, you just have to find your niche too. It's there Abby."

"I know your right." She replied giving him a soft smile, "I just don't know anymore."

"This position, it's in psychiatry?"

"Yeah it is." She said looking at him. "Do you think I am making some huge mistake?" She had to ask.

"That I couldn't tell you." Carter replied honestly. "You have to do what you like to do. If you liked psychiatry then by all means you should give it a chance. I liked surgery but just couldn't see myself doing that. I'm a lot happier in the ER. But that's me not you. The hard part is over, well kind of. You've gotten through school, you've passed the boards, now you just have to find where you want to go from there. Deciding where you want to spend your future is, well I think the hardest part."

"It's a big decision, one that I'm going to have to think some more on."

"You've only invested a year. Granted that's one of your five down, but personally I think that it's better to change your mind early in the game rather than later."

"That you are probably right about." She said, "nothing is ever black and white anymore is it."

"No, there's a lot of grey in the world. You can second guess yourself for the rest of your life, but if you think that this is something that you want then you have to take that chance and go for it. We all have to take chances, that's just part of life, if we don't then we never know what might have been."

"Do you have any regrets about changing?" Abby asked.

"No," Carter answered her, very firm with his answer, "I couldn't see myself doing anything else."

Abby nodded, he seemed to know what he wanted and found the guts to go for it. She just needed to make her decision and feel confident with it. Something that she never seemed to be very good at. She found herself thinking about everything that Carter had said to her now.

"Come on you're tired, you look like you are about to fall over, let me walk you home." Carter said his arm falling naturally around her shoulders as he started to guide her back towards her small apartment.

She didn't fight him as he led her back towards home. She just stayed lost in thought as she let him guide her so that she didn't have to think about where they were going, she could concentrate on other things.

When they reached the apartment Carter walked her up the stairs and then all the way to her apartment door, so that he knew she was safe at home. "Goodnight Abby." He said placing that soft delicate kiss back upon her forehead. He wanted to give her something more but that was as far as he dared take it right now.

She looked up at him, her eyes holding more than she thought that they could. She was always the kind who could keep everything bottled up inside of her, not letting it out unless she wanted it out. She felt like she needed to say something, to do something, anything to let him know what he had come to mean to her again. While she never thought that they would make it back to this place, starting to slowly grow closer to each other again, this time she would be the one who was putting this giant distance between them.

No matter what the reason she didn't feel as if it was the right thing to do, to start to get so close to him again only to leave once more. Fate had deemed it right that they worked their way back to each other, yet it didn't seem to want them to stay that way. Only time would tell what would happen between them.

She finally found the courage to say anything, "goodnight Carter." She returned his kiss by placing it on his cheek this time. And pulled him into her for a soft hug. That feeling of security was still there with his arms wrapped around her.

Carter pulled away from her and turned to head down the stairs with out another word. They had lost each other once, found their way back and he wasn't going to lose her again. He would find the way to make a long distance relationship work, there had to be someway that they could indeed make this work. Something that would allow Abby to spread her wings have her independence but at the same time allow two lovers to reconnect and stay connected.


	8. Dreams take flight

_A/N: Okay here's a short update to the story hope that you all enjoy the next installment of My Hopes, My dreams._**  
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**Chapter 8: Dreams take flight**

Abby's eyes drifted out the window, "you know this was just supposed to be part of my New Year's Resolution, I never thought that it would be something that I would stick with. You know what I mean. My life had spun so far out of control that I never thought that I would be able to get it back."

"How do you feel about that, getting your life back?"

She had a lit cigarette in her hand, taking a long draw from it as she thought about the answer to that question, "it feels good in a way, very strange."

"Go on."

"I am happy in a way, but it just seems at times to be something that is very surreal too." She said turning back around, "you know I swore that after that letter that was it. That I wouldn't put my heart on the line like that again but yet I have found myself doing things that I never thought that I would do."

"What things Abby?"

"Finish medical school; finish my first year as an intern." Abby said looking now back out the window. Looking out the window and not making eye contact seemed to make talking a lot more easy, as if she could put herself outside the conversation. "It is almost scary to think that I could practice medicine anywhere now. That I could go into private practice and treat people. I'm not comfortable with that, it's just seems like this impossible responsibility."

"It is an enormous responsibility Abby. Do you remember our conversation about your insecurities?"

Abby nodded, "yes I do and I have tried to face those on numerous occasions and try to have more faith in myself and what I can do. I must admit that when I was given the new job offer that I was shocked someone thought enough of me to pass my name on."

"Want to tell me about the job offer?"

"I got a job offer to do part of my residency or start my residency over basically in psychiatry down in Texas." Abby was getting restless now as she talked and smoked. "I liked my psych rotation a lot, was afraid that they might confuse me for a patient at times, and I think it was because of my crazy family that I was able to get such a solid grip on evaluating those with mental illness."

"And moving to Texas let's talk about that."

"There's not much to say about that." Abby said looking now at the woman sitting there whom she had been conversing with all this time, "I mean if I take this job and move to Texas, I'm giving up my residency at County, and it feels like I am giving up any chance of having a relationship with Carter. I mean he seems to feel like long distance relationships don't work and I can understand that but that's not the way that I feel."

"How do you feel about that?"

Abby was used to the poking and prodding that her therapist had to do, she still hadn't gotten to the point where she freely gave up information very well, she had been working on it and talked more with out prompting than she had in the beginning but it was still a work in progress. "It's only to Texas, his relationship, the one that was long distance involved an entire continent, this is me just moving to another state. However, I'm not saying that is going to make it easy, but doesn't anything in live worth having take a lot of work? This is something that, our relationship that is, is something that I would be willing to fight to make work. But my dreams can't take flight if I never let them off the ground."

Abby paced a little more now, "you know I've never thought that happiness was something that I deserved, and now I don't completely blame Carter for the breakdown of our relationship there was a part of that, that was my doing, which I am fully ready to take complete responsibility for. I was never one to rely on someone and in a relationship that works you need to be able to trust the person that you are with enough to open up to them, not only to let them be there for you but to be there for them as well, and I didn't do that the first time we were together, everything just seemed to pile up before I could get a hold of it and there was something inside me that didn't want to let him in. It was my crazy family and I had always dealt with it myself."

"And now Abby?"

She took another drag off the dying cigarette that was in her hands, "now I feel like that if I want to have this then I have to clip my wings. I don't know if I will ever get another chance like this. I am happy in emergency medicine, I like the variety in cases that it presents, the challenges of solving the mysteries when they come in, yet there's something about psychiatry that calls to me too. I don't want to see my dreams crash."

"Abby where do you envision yourself in five years?"

"Wow uh," Abby said, "I don't know?"

"Do you think that you, if you didn't' take this job offer would be with Carter in five years or even in 10 years."

"I would like to think that this time we could give it a serious go around. You know I mean we do work well together when we are together and we have fun when we are doing things as a couple, if you can call us a couple. I mean we've had a few dates and those have been fun. I wanted to take it slow not to rush back into things, knowing that we can't just start over as if nothing had happened but that doesn't mean that whatever feeling that I might have had are not there anymore. Damn it." Abby said kicking the floor now, "I'm in love with Carter and there's nothing that will change that."

"That frustrates you?"

"Everything about it frustrates me." Abby said nervously lighting up another smoke. She had this habit of chain smoking when she was doing this, but the therapist didn't seem to mind. "You know what it's like to come to the realization that you need someone in your life and that you don't want to live with out them. That they have become something that you really need, that you are comfortable talking with but yet there are some things that you never want to tell them for the fear of hurting them. Relationships take being open and honest and I have a hard time doing that, whether he knows it or not trying to be that kind of person, the one that can take the time to be dependent on someone takes a lot out of me."

"Is that something that you are ready for now?"

"To be dependent upon someone?" Abby half asked knowing that she would be expected to give an answer to that one even if she didn't want to be. "Yeah I think I am." She was finally answering honestly, listening to what her heart was saying. "I guess just because dream doesn't come true it doesn't shut the door on all the other dreams."

"What dreams might those be Abby?"

"The dreams that every little girl has growing up." Abby replied back, "to find that one man, your very own prince charming, the man who can rescue you from your mundane life and take you places that you never thought that you would ever see. I wasn't read fairy tales as a child but I've always believed that that someday I would find that man. Richard wasn't the right one for me and I know that now. It was a hard lesson learned in life, but I can see that I have that man in front of me now, within my reach and deep inside I am scared of losing that. Not that I would ever admit that to him, and I know in my heart that he only wants what is best for me, for me to follow my dreams, but he's a part of that dream, a part that I don't want to end in following the rest of my dreams. I know that I can be happy here in Chicago, I just, I guess that telling him how I feel, how I really feel is harder than I ever thought that it would be."

"Maybe you should tell him what you just told me?"

"Oh that falls under that easier to say than to do." Abby said, "talking to you is nothing like talking to him. I wish that I could say what I wanted to say when I am around him but it seems like the words never want to come when I am around him. All I can do when he's near me is barely keep my thoughts straight. When he was gone I missed him something desperately, I wondered constantly if he was alright, worried that he was going to get hurt and then when everything else happened I got the second chance that I wanted those feelings came back to the point that he's all that I think about anymore."

As Abby left her therapist's office that night, her decision was much more clearer than it had been in days. While she might have wanted her dreams to take flight, and part of that dream required her to move, there was much more for her in Chicago. She did love her job at County and while the other one provided opportunities she had opportunities at County as well. She made the decision that night to stay in Chicago, to give up part of the dream to make the rest of the dream come true. While Abby never thought that she would have happiness, she knew that she deserved it. She needed to give everything that she had to make this happen but he was worth it, she was worth it.


End file.
